“They say if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to fish…. then he’s gotta get a fishing license, but he doesn’t have any money. So he’s got to get a job and get into the social security system and pay taxes, and now you’re gonna audit the poor cocksucker, cuz’ he’s not really good with math. So he’ll pull the IRS van up to your house, and he’ll take all your shit. He’ll take your black velvet Elvis and your Batman toothbrush, and your penis pump, and that all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on you because you forgot to carry the one, cuz’ you were just worried about eating a fucking fish, and you couldn’t even cook the fish cuz’ you needed a permit for an open flame. Then the health department is going to start asking you a lot of questions about where are you going to dump the scales and the guts. ‘This is not a sanitary environment’, and ladies and gentlemen if you get sick of it all at the end of the day… not even legal to kill yourself in this country. Thanks again John Ashcroft you weird bible addict, can’t even handle your own drug. You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it, and you wave a flag celebrating it. [audience member]: Hey, don’t hold back! [Doug]: You got an argument? [am] No, keep goin’!..The only true freedom you find, is when you realize and come to terms with the fact that you are completely and unapologetically fucked, and then you are free to float around the system.“

“The word addiction is used far too liberally in our society and I shy away from it. If I have any addiction, it would be nicotine. I would say alcohol is more of a compulsive habit for me. I have used different narcotics for roughly 20 years and I have always used them socially, sporadically and usually sparingly. I use cocaine occasionally and sometimes medicinally – before a third show Saturday, a bump of coke can make the difference between a strong performance and just phoning it in – and I’ve never developed any type of habit, never craved it the next day. I will use hallucinogens a few times a year as well, always in a safe environment. So far as an “early grave,” I’m more concerned with quality of life. No sense in having a mint condition classic car if you’re afraid to take it out of the garage. I look as sadly at people awash in hand-sanitizer and surgical maks in elevators as they might see me when I’m pouring booze down my head on stage.”

“Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you’ve never met– all of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever… if you’re American you’ll go “Fuck the French! Fuck the French, if we hadn’t have saved their ass in two World Wars, they’d be speakin’ German right now!” And you go, “Oh, was that us?” Was that me and you, Tommy, we saved the French? Jesus! I know I blacked out a little after that fourth shot of Jägermeister last night, but I don’t remember… I know we were going through the Wendy’s drive-thru to get one of them “Freschetta” sandwiches that looked so alluring on the commercial, but then we ordered it and realized we had no money, and we had to ditch out before the second window, and those douchebags in line behind us with the bass music probably got our order and we laughed about that. But I don’t remember savin’ the French. At all! I went through the last ten calls on my cell phone and there’s nothin’–incoming or outgoing–to the French, lookin’ for muscle on a project! I checked my pants, there’s no mud stains on the knees from when we were garroting Krauts in the trenches at Verdun. I think “we” didn’t do anything but watch sports bloopers while we got hammered. I think “we” should shut the fuck up!“

One can always rely on words said by others when you are neither smart or eloquent enough, or simply apathetic to how shit the world has become.